Back in June, the FBI quietly changed its hiring practices to no longer block people who’ve hired prostitutes or engaged in bestiality from joining the agency. And if you—like me—have had nothing to say about it aside from a resounding what-the-fuck???, I fear FBI Director Kash Patel’s Senate hearing will have only left you with more questions than answers. 

Yep—bestiality, slash zoophilia, slash the final sin on the Rice Purity Test—took center stage at the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing on Tuesday, with Patel facing bipartisan grilling that only got weirder as it went on.

“According to a memo issued this June, the FBI has lowered its hiring standards by dropping automatic disqualification for applicants who have stolen from [employers], paid for sex, are engaged in bestiality,” Sen. Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) said, referring to a report that was first reported by CBS in August. “In July, you claim[ed] the FBI is ‘losing too many qualified candidates to the rigors of requirements from yesteryear…Do you believe those who have previously stolen from employers, solicited sex, or engaged in bestiality are qualified candidates that the FBI is losing?” 

Alas, Patel’s response was not a resounding “No, they are not”—but something far odder. “We did not want to punish victims of bestiality, victims who were trafficked,” he said. “We did not want to make it an automatic disqualification for the FBI to consider you if you are a victim of these awful, heinous acts.”

Durbin reiterated that “applicants who have been engaged in bestiality” was worlds different from “victims of bestiality,” to which Patel said, “Applicants who have engaged in bestiality means they were victims of bestiality because they were forced to do so. And, at this FBI, we’re not going to criminalize and prevent victims from serving the United States of America and the premier law enforcement agency in the world.” 

 

Things got particularly bizarre when Sen. John Kennedy (R-La.) jumped in, saying the FBI already has a difficult time getting “good quality agents.” “Why would you even get into bestiality?” he asked Patel.

After feebly attempting to repeat himself, Patel expressed to Kennedy that the previous rule “automatically disqualified any individual who participated on either side of it.” Prompting the very moment—I assume—his heart dropped into his stomach when the senator replied, point-blank, “Either side of what? The bestiality? So you disqualified the animal?” 

At the time of writing, Patel’s hearing—which was scheduled as part of a routine part of his job (which he is so unbelievably bad at)—is in its fifth hour, with little hope of a sound explanation anytime soon. But bear in mind that there’s been little sense following Patel’s tenure, with reports emerging of wrongful FBI firings left and right. Last year, three officials sued Patel after they were fired for allegedly investigating Trump; in October, David Maltinsky was fired for displaying a pride flag on his desk; and in December, twelve other agents who kneeled at Black Lives Matter protests in 2020 sued for wrongful termination.

Be that as it may, some senators are doing their part in the meantime. During her questioning, Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-D.C.) did not mince any words, saying, “I’m still pretty mystified as to why bestiality was taken off the list. You have been so drunk, the briefings have been rescheduled so you could sleep it off.” Ouch. 

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