Wearing White After Labor Day? What if I Bashed Your Knees in Instead?

Really? Really? You’re wearing that? Even though the federal holiday honoring the American labor movement and the contributions of workers just happened? No, that’s fine. I guess you are just happy to spit in the face of American laborers past and present. Just don’t be surprised if I break into your house and burn every item of clothing that you own as your kids tremble in the corner. I watched a lot of Criminal Minds as a kid, so I know how to B&E. (Kidding. Kind of.)

If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, it was once considered a breach of etiquette to wear white after Labor Day, as the holiday marked the unofficial end of summer. And maybe Vogue declared this fashion faux pas obsolete in the 90s—but I didn’t. Put that white crop-neck sweater the fuck down. Because, you know what? These days, your average East Village menace is wearing his Big 10 alma mater’s football jersey to the club; Lululemon is business casual; and people are wearing pimple patches to their service jobs. What would Emily Post say? It’s time to reinstate some law and order in this place. So I’m officially here to say the No-White-After-Labor-Day rule is back. Starting now. Move to a different country if you don’t like it! (FYI: When 77,302,580 people voted for Make America Great Again in 2024, this is what they meant.)

Yes, the dirt roads that once forced Gilded Age high society to trade their linens for darker garments after returning from their Newport summers are making a return. Everything will soon be covered in soot again—especially you, if you choose to wear that white blouse to Thanksgiving dinner again. (This is a threat.) So, go ahead. Wear white to bridge club, but don’t be surprised if Mr. McCallister rips you to shreds in his weekly column, or if your beloved family cat ends up dead in a mysterious accident…

Exceptions

You are permitted to wear white after Labor Day ONLY if you find yourself in one of the following situations:

  • You are attending a White Tie Gala (in that case, you better fucking wear white).
  • You are being Mr. Clean for Halloween.
  • Or Flo from Progressive.
  • You are a baby, and you are being baptized in the Catholic church against your will.
  • You are a fall bride having a Nashville bachelorette trip. (This is the epitome of class.)
  • You are wearing either of these ensembles:
  • You are a True Winter

Please note that attending a home game to support your favorite team does NOT fall into the above exceptions—not if it’s your alma mater, not if the game is a “white out,” and not even if it is still a sticky 90 degrees in October thanks to Climate Change. 

So, Dear Reader, have some couth. Don’t wear white after Labor Day.

Espace publicitaire · 300×250