I Finally Watched ‘Die Hard’ to Settle the Christmas Debate Once and For All

03:25 – A woman who is literally named “Holly” is literally listing Christmas things. Subtlety is dead.

03:30 – Whoever this Harry is, though—he’s hot. Why is Holly blowing him off 🙁

04:58 – It’s 1988, and your big important company is throwing a Christmas party on Christmas Eve instead of laying off half the staff in November so it can better implement Artificial Intelligence technology. What a bygone era.

06:50 – Bruce Willis’ character, John McClane, has a driver pick him up in a limo at the airport. The driver’s name is Argyle, and he says he used to drive a cab and “people would expect a little chit chat”—a concept I do not recognize, believe in, or support.

07:10 – Ah, so Bruce Willis is getting divorced from Holly because she is a successful career woman. Incredible stuff.

07:55 – Bruce Willis asks Argyle to play Christmas music…

11:52 – Another “Merry Christmas.” Interesting.

12:40 – Wow! Doing coke off the office desk! So retro.

13:41 – Bruce Willis meets Holly’s boss, Mr. Takagi, who says, “She was made for the business, tough as nails.” Not everyone in this relationship can say that.

14:00 – And the company gave her a Rolex—OK, she is rich, rich. Bruce Willis is so dumb.

15:49 – And he’s pissed that she goes by her maiden name at the company and not her married name, even though they’re maybe divorced or separated? I am already bored by this dynamic.

17:00 – She’s gone and now he’s talking to himself in the mirror about their contentious exchange. “That’s great, John, very mature,” he says about getting mad over her using her maiden name. I appreciate this drop of self-awareness.

17:55 – Security guard shot dead. We’re jumping right in here.

18:39 – This really took a sharp turn fast (or hard???). I will note that of the estimated 45 people carrying guns who just walked out of this 18-wheeler, none of them are sporting any sort of holiday wear.

21:53 – Argyle is still just sitting in the limo waiting to see if Bruce Willis is going to stay at his (ex?) wife’s house tonight or if he’ll need a ride to a hotel. He’s hanging with the giant bear that Bruce brought for his kids…this is a pretty Christmas-y scene.

23:15 – The bad guys are either killing everyone or just shooting their guns, willy-nilly, what the fuck.

23:39 – I actually can’t think of a worse thing to happen while having sex on a desk with your office crush than a couple of guys with machine guns coming in and grabbing you without even letting you put your top back on, damn.

25:19 – The head guy has rounded up everyone in the office and announced to them, “Due to the Nakatomi Corporation’s legacy of greed around the globe, they’re about to be taught a lesson in the real use of power.”

In many ways, the commercialization of Christmas could be considered a legacy of greed around the world! This continues to be a Christmas movie.

26:05 – Wait, oh my god, the head guy is Snape, aka Alan Rickman?!?!!?!

27:04 – Alan Rickman is now humming a Christmas tune.

28:36 – The company may be exploiting a region in Indonesia—but it’s unclear if the bad guys actually care about this.

29:34 – Alan Rickman wants the 640 million dollars in negotiable bearer bonds that are locked in the vault that Theo is trying to open, and I have no idea what this means, but I feel like it doesn’t require 21,489 machine guns.

31:44 – Alan Rickman killed Mr. Takagi. That was sad. However, the blood spatter is bright red—and we all know what holiday bright red is associated with.

32:46 – Another shot of Argyle chilling and vibing with the Christmas bear. I’m starting to get nervous that this random character might not make it out of this film alive.

36:55 – Bruce sneaks up on a bad guy and whispers, “Drop it dickhead, it’s the police,” and I can’t stop laughing.

37:03 – Even funnier, the bad guy says, “You won’t hurt me—because you’re a policeman, there are rules for policemen.” This one really got me.

38:44 – Bruce Willis has now murdered a bad guy simply by falling down the stairs with him.  

39:05 – There’s a shot of a Santa wrapped with lights and garland, set next to a small decorated tree. This was a deliberate effort to inject more holiday cheer into this film.

39:15 – I am impressed with how much this NYPD cop knows about office building machinery, like how to fuck with and manipulate an elevator.

40:27 – Bruce places that Santa hat on the guy who died from falling down the stairs and stuck him in the elevator to arrive on the hostage floor so that Snape can see him. He also wrote, “Now I have a machine gun” on the guy’s shirt, and I do not know where he found the red pen.

40:58 – He also wrote “Ho ho ho” on the dead guy’s shirt. Five more points to this being a Christmas movie.

42:21 – The dead guy’s name is Karl, and his brother—also a bad guy— just found out and flipped a desk. Angry elf.

43:17 – Holly whispers to Harry that she suspects “John” (Bruce Willis) is behind all this. Harry seems angry. Probably all the coke.

44:05 – Bruce found himself a police scanner walkie-talkie. But the bad guys have one too.

44:15: He contacts the emergency channel, and a woman answers, “This channel is reserved for emergency calls only.” Bruce responds, “No fucking shit, lady, do I sound like I’m orderin’ a pizza?” Funny.

45:08 – Shoot out on the roof. Classic.

45:27 – Despite hearing multiple gunshots over the scanner, the woman is still not convinced that Bruce Willis is reporting an actual emergency, and you know what, good for her for being skeptical of a man.

46:47 – There are more machine guns in this film than in Black Hawk Down. 

47:48 – It’s wild that Bruce Willis has been shot at no less than 726 times in the last three minutes and is still alive, while the German guy died by falling down the stairs.

50:49 – He’s also very strong and very in shape for a NYC cop, lol.

54:24 – I still don’t actually know what these guys want and why. Also, I swear there were like 30 people who walked out of that 18-wheeler, and I have only seen about five since.

56:23 – Two more “Merry Christmases.”

56:41 – And some Christmas caroling.

57:13 – A mention of Jesus Christ—who’s birth is famously the reason for the Christmas holiday, if you can believe.

57:29 – Here’s Argyle again, still no fucking clue about what’s going on.

58:19: The police are finally arriving, only been an hour.

58:57 – Alan Rickman on the police arriving: “Everyone stay calm, this is simply beginning.” I am realizing I still have an hour more of this movie to go.

1:03:34 – Another mention of it being Christmas Eve.

1:04:03 – Bruce Willis is explaining the situation over the walkie-talkie to his new LAPD cop friend, Al, and when AL asks what he can call him, Bruce says, “Roy.” This was a massive missed opportunity. He should have said “Chris Cringle,” or “Saint Nick,” or “Mary Magdalene.”

1:05:54 – Holly approaches Alan Rickman with a request since she’s in charge now because he killed her boss. Her words, not mine.

1:06:22 – Alan Rickman denies Holly’s request to bring a pregnant hostage into an office with a sofa so she’s more comfortable. This is the corporate America I recognize.

1:06:38 – But Holly did successfully negotiate a bathroom break for everyone. Girlboss.

1:06:49 – Alan Rickman tells Holly that Mr. Takagi (RIP) chose his people well, saying “Mrs…” and waiting for her to finish. But she hits him with a “Gennaro, Miss Genaro.” Is this movie turning into a feminist opus? I’m sat back down.

1:07:30 – Here’s our latest three-second shot of Argyle. He’s still drunk in the back of the limo, but now, he’s watching the news, which is the only way he’s finally learned about what is happening.

1:10:35 – One of these bad guys got distracted by a candy bar. Relatable.

1:12:19 – Another Christmas tree shot. Don’t know why they didn’t just call this movie Die Hard at Christmas.

1:13:08 – All these guys are idiots with egos who won’t listen to each other. This is actually one of my least-favorite genres of entertainment. And also the reason why our world is the way it is. 🙄

1:15:05 – An LAPD R.V. just drove up the outside stairs of the building, and the bad guys launched a rocket into it and blew it up. My question, which I’m assuming will never be answered, is why did the R.V. have to drive up the outside stairs of the building?

1:16:17 – For all the German being yelled in this film, there is not a single subtitle.

1:17:00 – Bruce attaches a stick of dynamite to a computer chair and throws it down the elevator shaft, bombing an entire floor—which would have smart except it also exploded up the elevator shaft onto his floor. Silly.

1:17:21 – On the ground, a reporter on the scene captures the explosion and just had his career made. You love to see men have their moment.

1:17:40 – Lol, the reporter says to himself, “Eat your heart out, Channel Five.” Move over, Tom Brokaw.

1:18:00 – Finally, some information about the Germans: Hans Gruber, aka Alan Rickman, is a member of the “radical West German Volksfrei movement.” Though he may have recently been kicked out for being too radical. This would be such a different film if it were released today.

1:19:00 – The LAPD Deputy Chief of Police just yelled at Bruce, and now Bruce is telling Al that he is feeling unappreciated, and Al is assuring him that he loves him and “so do a lot of the other guys.” These men.

1:19:52 – Annnnd another Santa figurine.

1:20:00 – Harry’s going to try and negotiate with the “eurotrash” because he negotiates “million-dollar deals for breakfast.” Rest in peace, Harry. I’m glad you were able to get high and have sex on your last night on Earth.

1:20:34 – Harry tells Alan Rickman that he watches 60 Minutes…did he also use to subscribe to Bari Weiss’ Substack???

1:21:55 – Bruce and Al are bonding over Twinkies and having kids.

1:22:31 – Harry revealed to Alan Rickman that John McClane is…John McClane.

1:24:56 – Rest in peace, Harry.

1:26:31 – Alan Rickman has fooled the FBI by saying all he wants is for the State Department to release his “comrades in arms around the world languishing in prison,” then he names international “revolutionaries” in order to buy his bad guys two more hours to get into the safe. Clever!

1:28:00 – He is now telling Theo that “It’s Christmas” and that Christmas is “a time for miracles.” This might as well be the sequel to It’s a Wonderful Life.

1:29:31 – Here’s a lovely shot of a Christmas poinsettia as they drag out Harry’s body.

1:30:00 – The FBI has arrived and the LAPD Deputy Chief of Police is freaking out.

1:31:18 – Bruce runs into Alan Rickman, I mean Hans Gruber, on the roof…and Hans is acting like he’s an employee, and not the head of this international terrorist organization trying to steal billions of bonds by breaking into a building on Christmas Eve and capturing at least 30 hostages instead of breaking into the building on Christmas Day when probably no one would be there.

1:35:47 – Bruce hands Hans a loaded gun, as if he’s a friend, and Hans is babbling in German sans subtitles again.

1:35:50 – Correction! Bruce handed him an unloaded gun. Smart.

1:36:00 – Another shootout, how could I not have seen this coming?

1:36:37 – More bright red blood! Merry merry!

1:37:10 – How have we not fucking run out of bullets yet?

1:38:52 – Holly is talking to the pregnant woman. They have exchanged three sentences, and this is the first time in the film that we’ve seen two women talk to each other.

1:38:37 – After watching one of the bad German guys return to the hostage floor and crash out, Holly tells the pregnant woman that this must mean John’s still alive because, “Only John can drive somebody that crazy.” Christmas movie? Yes. Film that passes the Bechdel test? No.

1:39:16 – Bruce’s feet are sliced up because he hasn’t been wearing shoes, and everyone’s been shooting machine guns inside an office building with floor-to-ceiling windows—and I know his barefeet somehow tie back to the beginning, but I have no idea how????

1:40:47 – Al’s admitting to Bruce over the walkie-talkie that he has a police desk job now because he accidentally shot a 13-year-old. A cop taking accountability? I didn’t know this was fantasy.

1:41:47 – Ah, Hans wanted the FBI to arrive so they would cut the power that would also cut the power to the last lock that Theo needs to get into the vault. “You asked for miracles, Theo,” Hans says. I am noting that he did not say “Christmas miracles,” despite saying it before. This subtracts two points from this being a Christmas movie. (Though we’re already at like 175 points.)

1:42:30 – And not a minute later, another Christmas Eve mention! One more point added back.

1:43:21 – Not the FBI running the universal terrorist playbook step by step!

1:43:37 – Theo got the vault opened, and “Ode to Joy” is playing—not explicitly Christmas but definitely festive.

1:43:52 – And Theo says “Merry Christmas” to himself as he watches the vault doors slide open. Guys, this is a fucking Christmas movie.

1:46:10 – Bruce is not doing well and can barely walk because of his cut-up feet. He tells Al he’s getting a bad feeling and that he needs to tell Holly that “It took me a while to figure out what a jerk I’ve been, but um, that when things started to pan out for her, I should’ve been more supportive and uh…I  just should’ve been behind her more.” Hm. “Tell her that…that she’s the best thing that ever happened to a bum like me, she’s heard me say I love you 1,000 times, she never heard me say I’m sorry.”

All it takes for a man to apologize to a woman is the fear that he’s about to die.

1:48:48 – Another fight scene on the roof. Sorry, but after watching Heated Rivalry, we really don’t need men fighting anymore. This is not hot.

1:50:11 – That news reporter threatens Holly and John’s Spanish-speaking nanny that he’d call immigration if she didn’t let him in, and now he’s put their kids on TV to say their last words to their parents. The media is trash.

1:50:29 – Because of this dumbass reporter, Hans now knows that Holly and John are married (or separated? or divorced?), which changes everything. In a very bad way.

1:51:24 – The FBI says they’re fine with losing 20-25 percent of the hostages. Sick.

1:53:40 – Bruce Willis finally kills Karl’s brother—and way more brutally than just falling down the stairs, Jesus.

1:53:39 – The FBI agent is riding in a helicopter, screaming about Saigon. OK?

1:55:45 – John manages to get all the hostages off the roof before the bad guys blow it up, and he says to himself, “John, what the fuck are you doing?” while wrapping a fire hose around his waist before what I assume is going to be him jumping off the building. This is the most I’ve liked him in this entire film.

1:57:25 – Yes, he did jump off the roof and then shot a window so he could jump back into the building, which was pretty cool. Also, there was a crazy angle where he looked just like Andrew Scott for three seconds

1:57:47 – That FBI dick did not make it, rest in peace.

1:58:22 – A Christmas tree has fallen. NO.

1:58:26 – Holy shit, I forgot all about Argyle again.

1:59:12 – We get a shot of a wrapped present and some brief Christmas music playing.

1:59:41 – Argyle rams into Theo’s car and punches him the fuck out. But how did he know Theo was a bad guy? This guy’s been sitting in his limo drinking with a teddy bear, waiting for Bruce Willis to call him and say if he needs a ride for three hours now.

2:01:50 – Bruce Willis taped a gun to his back with Christmas tape. I fear this has sealed this film’s fate.

2:02:05 – It would have been cooler if Bruce shot Hans and the other final bad guy from his back gun and then didn’t blow on the tip of his gun, but sure.

2:02:09:  Damn, silent night forever, Hans.

2:04:17 – Al and Bruce finally meeting face to face…are they going to kiss???

2:05:05 – Bruce introduces his wife to Al as Holly Gennaro, and she corrects him as Holly McClane. What a note to end on. Definitely not a feminist movie…but it is a Christmas movie.

2:05:49 – Karl’s brother is still alive, somehow, but Al shoots him—meaning he shot the right guy this time. Hallelujah, Al.

2:06:02 – Argyle is still alive and chilling. I can’t believe it.

206:44 – Holly punches that piece of shit reporter. You go, girl—you could have gone harder, and kept your maiden name, but this is fine for 1988.

2:06:55 – Some final “Merry Christmases” exchanged between Argyle and Bruce. Hark, the herald angels sing.

2:07:08: The outro music is “Let It Snow,” which is kind of fucked up with the flames and ashes falling all around, but still, who has ever argued that this isn’t a Christmas film???

Final verdict: Yes, this is a Christmas film. It takes place on Christmas Eve, everyone is saying Merry Christmas to each other, there’s Christmas music, and there are multiple shots of Christmas paraphernalia, including wrapped presents, Christmas trees, and Santa figurines, as well as at least one reference to Christmas miracles.

Join us in 2026 when we explore whether or not Star Wars is a sci-fi film.

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