Congrats are in order for Gisele Bündchen—while happy thoughts seem to be necessary for her ex-husband, the quarterback-turned cringe football commentator and emo Instagram poster, Tom Brady.
People recently reported that Bündchen married her hot jiu-jitsu instructor, Joaquim Valente, in Surfside, Florida, on December 3. The ceremony was super small and super private, so much so that we don’t even know if Bündchen’s pal, Ivanka Trump, made the guest list.
“She didn’t want anything over the top or made public so they could enjoy the day, each other and the family,” a source told People. Fair enough.
The couple were first spotted hanging out in 2022 (Bündchen and Brady filed for divorce in October 2022), but were confirmed to be dating in June 2023, with Bündchen telling People in October 2024 that they were expecting a baby—and they welcomed a healthy baby boy earlier this year.
“Everything has fallen into place for her, and she is fulfilled,” another source told the outlet. “Those close to her are so happy for her. Getting married was right.” Good for her!
Meanwhile, Brady is back to cryptically posting on Instagram.
The day after news broke about Bündchen’s wedding, Brady posted a selfie on his Instagram Story wearing a hoodie that says “Forever Young” with the Logic song “1-800-273-8255.” That title is the former Suicide Prevention Lifeline number (which was converted to the easier 988 in 2022), and in the chorus, Logic sings, “I don’t wanna be alive, I don’t wanna be alive / I just wanna die today.” Brady captioned it with “Yuppppppp” and the “100” emoji. Bruh.
I respect and appreciate everyone’s healing journey, but Brady and Bündchen share two kids, so I can’t imagine he didn’t know about the wedding. Of course, the December 20 post could have been about something else—but there wasn’t much in the way of upsetting football news this weekend, as far as I can tell. Both the Green Bay Packers and the Washington Commanders lost their games on Saturday—maybe his fantasy football is fucked? Does he have some deep, personal connection to either team? If you’re a football fan and have knowledge of something that makes Brady’s suicide song Instagram Story understandable, feel free to sound off in the comments.
Otherwise, here’s hoping Brady gifts himself the most powerful thing of all this holiday season: the gift of logging off.
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