Welcome back to Saturday Night Social.
This week, we learned the vice president is a huge fan of the Netflix show Emily in Paris, starring Lilly Collins. Surprising, but then again, nothing surprises me anymore.
He calls the show, now entering its 6th season, a cultural critique of “atrocious millennial decision-making”—because protagonist Emily is often so focused on making it big as a luxury marketing executive abroad that she has no time to settle down and start a family. Still, it seems like JD has binged every episode. Maybe numerous times. (Maybe!)
My imagination is running wild about why a guy like Vance—who hocks conservative family values and hates immigrants—would be so enthralled by a show about a bunch of Girl Boss foreigners. What do he and Emily have in common? What would they talk about if they were in the same room? So glad you asked.
Here’s how I imagine it going down:
Enter Emily, frazzled. Kate Spade bag in hand. JD is sitting by himself at the café, writing a manifesto.
Emily: Can we make this quick? I have to get to a brand engagement with the chief marketing officer of Chanel Industries.
JD: Sure. I also have a big meeting… with the president. He really values me and my opinions and thinks I’m strong—
Emily: Get to the point, JD.
JD: Here’s what I’ll say—now that you finally ended things with Marcello last season, why aren’t you back with Gabriel? You should obviously marry him and have his babies, if I may be so curt.
Emily: JD, this again?
JD: You and Gabriel were made for each other! Let me ask you this—Are you Catholic?
Emily: I lived in Rome for season 5.
JD: Well, as you know, we Catholics believe in the power of forgiveness.
Emily: But after everything that happened with Camille? On the ski trip? What does that say of his traditional family values that you hold so high?
JD: People deserve second chances, Emily. Like the Republican Party. Give us another chance.
Emily: Give you another chance?
JD: I mean Gabriel.
Emily: Right now, I’m focused on the Ferragamo 4D activation in Greece, brought to you by OpenAI.
JD: And I love that for you, babe, but maybe if you just focused a little less on your career and more on finding your husband, we would have wrapped this up three seasons ago.
Emily: How about you focus on your job? I no longer claim America, but from what I hear, gas is $5 a gallon, all the food will give you diarrhea, and you’re in a war with Iran.
JD: It’s technically just a conflict. But let’s get back to Gabriel. What you two have is Shakespearean.
Emily: Gabriel and I never work. We’re like oil and water. Or a black Gucci belt with brown Miu Miu sneakers.
JD: Well, maybe that’s because of the atrocious millennial decision-making skills.
Emily: Mine or Gabriel’s?
JD: Both of you… Even though you clearly didn’t have a problem making decisions when you got that bob.
Emily: [French gasp]
JD: I’m just kidding. It’s a joke. I make funny jokes because I’m relatable and electable.
Emily’s phone dings.
Emily: I have to go. There’s been an emergency at the Prada bucket hat factory.
JD: Same time next week?
Emily: Don’t you have a newborn?
JD: No worries. He has an AI humanoid robot nanny.
Emily: Ça va. Ciao.
JD: Ciao.
She exits. JD is alone. He looks at his phone. His lock screen is a screenshot of Gabriel getting out of the shower in that one episode.
JD: When will she learn?
And scene. Fin. C’est dans la boîte.
