It is extremely important to note that absolutely none of the below is real. This is an entirely fake work of satire by an individual who could and should probably put his brainpower to better use. Thanks for reading!
A Message from Danny Briere and Keith Jones to Our Fans:
We wanted to take a moment to connect with our loyal and passionate fanbase of lunatics. We know and feel your disappointment with how the franchise has gone to this point. We are just as frustrated and want nothing more than to deliver an on-ice product you can be proud of – it’s what drives us every day. No one in the organization is happy with what has transpired – from management, to coaches, to players, to Al Morganti, to the hot dog vendors, to Gritty, to guys selling bootleg gear on Broad Street. Over the last few decades, we’ve had some successes and moments to cherish, but ultimately it was not the end goal. We are working relentlessly every day to bring a Stanley Cup back to Philadelphia because that is what our fans deserve and what Comcast specified for us in our yearly objectives and key results.
With our position in the standings and injuries to key players this season, we must lie to ourselves and live in a fantasy land regarding our situation. We are going to stand pat – a lack of a shift that will give us the ability to hope things work out with the guys that we have in-house already. This will not be a rebuild. We have built some stuff already. You know what this is – a classic retool built around our core players and prospects. We will target players that bring tenacity, skill, tenacity, gumption, snarl, tenacity, and knowledge of skating, with a focus on obtaining young players, old grinders, draft picks, mid centers, and cap space to allow us flexibility moving forward. That will probably not mean saying goodbye to players that have brought us and our fans…moments…over the years. These players represent the Flyers with pride and class and will always be a part of our family.
As we start on this same strategic plan, we will continue to play pretty hard on some nights with pride and passion for our fans. We appreciate your unwavering support and consistent boos for the Flyers more than we can describe and thank you for all that you do for our organization. Mainly by telling us to shoot on the power play, which we don’t do anyway. You will begin to see some of our plans come to light in the coming months and years. Maybe. Probably! Let’s Go Flyers, clap, clap, clapclapclap.
Danny Briere
General Manager
Keith Jones
President
